Saturday, August 27, 2011

When you're dreaming with a broken heart.

I always know it is time for me to blog when I can't seem to think straight and all my emotions and thoughts run into one big blurrr...does that have one or two 'r's? eh...I'll put three to be on the safe side.

 I have now logged on and off of this website three times not really knowing how to start. Everything and everyone has seasons that come and go. Seasons of friends, weather, feelings, and emotions, I always have a hard time when a good season leaves me. Although I am a bit spontaneous and usually live my life by the hair on my jeans, or the seat of my know what I mean. I am NOT a fan of change. I don't want my feelings to ever change, my life, and the things and people that are in it...but such is life. I moved to Austin 8 months ago come next Wednesday. Am I where I thought I would be when I first moved here? Heck no.

My life has been one crazy roller coaster. But I have learned so much about myself, my friends, Jesus, and how life really is outside of the great city of Orange, Texas. I moved here to start an all girls ministry with my friend, her, her husband, and their little one took me in and let live! Amen. But as I got distracted and my walk with Jesus got dry I drifted off. I think now more than ever Jesus is saying.."Hi Jana, it is me Jesus you know the one you were doing work for and just stopped? Come on with the come one and get with it sister."
The way I see Jesus is very real to me so don't make any comments on how I feel he talks...cause I hear him. :) I was raised in the same church with the same friends, the same youth pastor, same songs sang every Sunday since I was 7 years old. I have yet to find a church like that. Yeah no crap...I am not in Orange Texas and I am not 7. Things change.
    I have never met a stranger and could careless if you like me or not...unless we are in a baptist church on a Sunday morning then the rules change. I want you to love me and think that I have a direct line to Jesus and that my life is perfect and the fact that I'm a little overweight is because I am just so happy with Jesus and he has made me this way and praise be to God! Hold up rolls-ups. This is how I really feel on a Sunday morning in church: You may not love me, I am really loud and 9 times out 10 way over the top for most. I don't have a direct line to Jesus I struggle everyday with my walk in fact I might have slipped the "S word" on the way in because I spilt my coffee. And you know what, I didn't even want to come this morning because if my dress were any tighter I'd look like a pig in a blanket!
 I haven't joined a church here if you haven't gotten that point yet. I can't seem to just LOVE one...but you know what? I haven't tried that hard either. It is just EASY for me to coast. I need Jesus! I need Jesus' people! I need to fellowship with other Christians and be built up and loved on!!!
 I feel Jesus tuggin' on my heart to go and be that over the top christian that I was in January. It was a season, a season I loved. This that I am in right now is a season, a season I HATE. But, you know what? Jesus is so sweet and awesome that, the season that I loved so much...I can slip right back in and He will be there waiting and willing to pick me up, dust me off, and start again AND with great JOY!
Ahhh...Joy. I want pure, honest joy back in my heart and life. I don't want to fake that any more (I have become rather good at it though.)

 I am sorry if you feel like you have had ADD while reading this, but this is me and this is my feelings right now.
I have wonderful friends and family that build me up and love on me when I need it most. It is time for me to get back that Jesus groove and work on this world. Austin, Texas you need a savior! Lets do this!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8



  1. Jana Banana - I got your back 100%.. get em girl! I love you and know this.. God only chastises those whom HE loves! Count it a blessing to see your need and feel Him getting you back in shape spiritually. As always, I am here @ the 409. :)

  2. I learned a very good lesson not so long ago...and I am going to share it with you...the mountain tops are wonderful while they last and the memories are just as good but when you are in the valley looking back up at the mountain top trying to figure out how you got down there and how in the world am I going to get back up there...remember looking back up at the one you just came off of isn't where you need to be looking you need to look at the one ahead of you because the view from the new mountain top is so different from the one you were just on. Long story can not recreate the past experiences with God when the door of that chapter closes it is for a reason the next chapter is a NEW one and it is going to be a lot different than the ones before...

    I love you and will be praying for you. I am in the same boat just a different river. Call if you need to unload.