Warning: The content you are about to read is extremely personal and some what uncomfortable...if this statement scares you do not continue to read.
It has been awhile since I have updated. So much has happened and is still happening. I am just going to dive right in and not look back.
For those of you that have known me for a good amount of time, I have always been the "bigger" girl. Me being me I have never really cared what people think and if you never liked me for me then you can move right along. About four years ago I began the process of the Gastric Bypass, I was denied, approved but something happened and denied again. I finally gave up and had a minor pity party (hats, music, cake... the whole nine yards.) As an adult I thought the teasing and poking fun would stop and it did for awhile until about July of last year. I was hearing a crude comment about once a week maybe more, I had lost my confidence and self-esteem. I was always so full of those things and it was literally killing me to be lacking in those areas. I had fallen from God, friends, and family. I got my life back together, became BFFs with Jesus again, moved to Austin, and dropped a good amount of lbs. I was "happy" for the first time in along time, althought I NEVER showed anything but. A no name family member mentioned the surgery again, and the thoughts started flowing. I had my mind dead set on the surgery and NO one was stopping me! I was going to be thin and happy. I talked with several people that were close to me and I trusted. They all supported me in whatever way I went but some were a little leary. I moved to Austin to start an all girls ministry with my good friend, what message was this going to send to girls as I am telling them "the inside is all that counts...be yourself." I pushed all those little thoughts out of my head...I mean I would NEVER hide this from any girl that asked, but what are my real motives? The surgery was scheduled for July 11th, I was doing it! July 6th I get a phone call the office messed up and it has to be post poned for another 10 weeks. Are you freaking kidding me? I thought the world had ended. I was so close again and now I am back in the same boat. I cried and threw yet another pity party (with tons of carbs and ice cream.) Of course everyone is supporting me and all are saying...God has it Jana, there is a reason. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted it and I wanted it now. It was going to solve all my problems.
Lastnight as I lay in bed thinking of the up coming months and what is REALLY going on, not just in Janas happy little bubble. I start to really think: Why am I doing this surgery? If I am not happy with who I am now, NO surgery is going to fix that. I have always been this wild, weird, loud, crazy, full of confidence, big girl...and honestly I love that girl. I weighted lastnight and I am only 20 lbs from my high school weight...that is nothing to lose. Who doesn't want to be thin? but that is not everything. Health is everything. I have made a plan and I am sticking to it. I live in Austin Texas if I can't get fit here then something is wrong with me. God has someone picked out for me who loves me for me...not for the girl who had surgery to be someone she isn't. I have friends and amazing family who love me for me, who support me in whatever it is.
So for now...I like my big butt, and I am not going to lie.