It has been awhile since I updated. Things have been so crazy I just haven't had the time to sit and think about everything I want to tell you guys. I want to tell you EVERYTHING that has happened in the past 4 weeks but I don't think that is possible, I have work in the morning, and well...you probably have something better to do.
Okay, okay...I am getting to it...ahem...
A LOT has changed for me in the past 4 weeks. Emotions, cravings, pants, likes and dislikes. There is something missing from that list?? OH! I am 6 weeks out and 35 pounds down! Oh yeah!
The transition of going back to work and getting back in a routine was so much smoother than I had expected. The week I went back I was to start, protein, vitamins, protein, and more protein. I didn't have the desire to eat (still don't) and had the mind set if I didn't eat I would be better off. WRONG. It was slowing me down, making me feel weak, and sleeeepy. I ate a little tuna here, a little tuna there, gagged down a few sips of a protein drink and called it a day. It lasted about 2 weeks. And then, that dreadful morning came, I stepped on the scale and it hadn't moved in almost a week!!! I thought "Okay that is it, I am never eating again, this surgery isn't working, what if I am the only human on earth this doesn't work out!??!" I reached out to my friends who had the surgery and they told me yet again, it is normal. My body was in starvation mode (I mean wouldn't you be too?!) I called the doctor just to make sure they were right! Of course they were. They told me to up my water, protein, and make sure I am eating 3 meals a day, even if I am not hungry. BAM. The next week 5 pounds down! I am feeling much better, and learning how to eat again. What is good for me? What I can handle? and the most odd one of all...what I DON'T like anymore. The smell of somethings that I used to LOVE make me sick. I guess that is a good thing. Enough about all that, I know you are about to kill over waiting for the JUICY part....I don't know if you would call it juicy or just my real feelings but here they are.
WARNING: This is real talk. These are my emotions, thoughts, and what my heart feels.
Let's be real shall we? Everyone at some point is shallow to some extent. I used to think I wasn't shallow and everyone else was and I didn't like those people. COME ON! We like what we like, and we can't help that.
I am not about to bash men because that's not my bag. But, in my run-ins with the opposite sex MOST are shallow and won't look at you unless you look like this or that. Okay, hold on because that my friends is not true. Sure, you have those dudes that think they belong in the Jersey Shore cast and won't look twice unless you look a little like Kim Karadashian. But that isn't the case for all. I mean look at all the people in the world that are with someone, or married. We don't all look like a models (Thank GOD!) that is what makes us, us! I didn't mean for that to go that far but..you get what I mean. Before the surgery I thought. "I am going to be so mad at any guy who looks at me after the surgery, that is so rude!" I had hate and bitterness in my heart before I even let myself think. People like what they like. I have my own style I like...I won't tell you I will let you guess, and then later add to my singles profile. Over the past 6 weeks I have thought a lot and come to realize I can't be bitter. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me. Example: I was grocery shopping in HEB a few weeks back and I notice a man...yes a man (over 30) that is one of my preferences FYI. Kind of "check me out" if you will as I walk in. I smiled and as soon as he passed me whispered "stupid, had it been 3 months ago you wouldn't have even looked at." Okay first off, I have never seen the dude in my life! Who is to say he wouldn't, he might have. At that point I decided I can't be like that. I need to just embrace it and realize not all men are like the ones I have encountered. So, I continue my shopping trip as I am searching for that perfect carton of milk I see another man take a few glances...I turned, smiled, and this time instead of mumbling rude words...I bent over a little more...........I AM KIDDING! I did not do that but I did smile back and walked away. It is crazy and emotional but I take it day by day and rest in the fact that I know my Jesus has that special someone already out there. That will be everything I want and need, and even more!
Whew....that was a lot and I hope it made some sense I tend to just type and not really think.
So in other news, my pants are getting bigger and my waist is shrinking. I am feeling really good and know every morning when I wake up I made the best decision of my life!!
I have a ton of stuff to do before work tomorrow, just thought I'd share a little. Hope you enjoy and I promise to post sooner. Maybe next week!!
XOXO
-J
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The mental break finally came.
I now finally have some time to let you guys know how my first week went.
I was released from the hospital on Wednesday night, I had taken some pain medicine right before I left. Home about 8 bed by 9 and had a solid night of rest. No nurses, no beeping, no backless hospital gown. Thursday I was to start my clear liquid diet. Chicken broth, water, Jello, and sugar free Popsicles. They told me to get in at LEAST 64 ounces a day, most Bariatric patients are back in the hospital in a week due to dehydration. I did my best to get in as much as I could. The Bariatric nurse that was at the hospital coaching my family and I on my new lifestyle said it could be up to a year until I actually feel a "hunger pain". What?!?! I just didn't believe him. But sure enough, I am only a week out and haven't felt hungry one time. I stayed at my Aunt and Uncles house for the remainder of the week. Just in case I didn't feel well and if I needed anything. I was up and out of the house by Friday. A little sore but feeling pretty good. I hadn't taken any pain medicine since Wednesday. I finally decided after waking up on Saturday I felt well enough to go home and start this process on my own. I have met one of my best friends while living here and don't know what I would do without her. She came to the rescue picked me and all of my stuff up and drove me home. We ran around town doing some errands, shopping at Target, enjoying this Fall weather. I was pooped come four, she dropped me off and went on her way.
And so it started. I was left alone for the first time, my roommate was going to be gone and I was on the couch watching Law&Order SVU. I think most people are emotional eaters. You're bored: you eat. You're sad: you eat. You're happy: you eat! My favorite past time is to turn on SVU get some chips and dip and be content. I can't do that now. But why did I ever do it before? I wasn't hungry. I had actually probably eaten dinner not much earlier. I had not cried not one time. Which if any of you really know me, I am NOT a good patient at all. But, this is a surgery I wanted and was excited about not something that HAD to be done. I started to cry and think "What in the hell did I get myself into??" I was hungry (but I really wasn't), I was sad, homesick, and regretting something that I know is the best for me.
This surgery has been a fight to get. I have been on and off with insurance companies since I was 17 years old. Although I know I will never know why it happened when it happened until I get to the gates and can ask Jesus. I kind of got an idea last night. In the past year and a half I have been able to talk to and watch two people that I know go through this whole process. The weight loss, the eating habits, and a little piece of the emotional part. I, feeling like I was at the end of my rope reached out to both of them. Of course both of them were FULL of encouragement and love! Reassuring me this emotional break was normal if not expected. They will both tell me until they are blue in the face it was the BEST decision they had ever made for themselves. One also told me..."in one month when you put on your pants and they are too big you will then realize you made the right decision!" I spoke with my family and friends from back home, which I can not express how much I love and miss them. They all reassured me it was going to be A-Okay! My mom being the wonderful woman she is of course told me to pray and ask for peace. I did...and it was instant. :)
So today, I woke up, did my hair, make-up, and put on a cute shirt. Got out of the house and took a little ride. This is my favorite time of the year, and a new season of life for me. There are exciting things coming up in the next year and a lot about to happen in the next few months(keep following, I'll let you know!) In a month or so, maybe even weeks I know I will look back and think "This is the BEST thing I have EVER done!"
XOXO
-J
I was released from the hospital on Wednesday night, I had taken some pain medicine right before I left. Home about 8 bed by 9 and had a solid night of rest. No nurses, no beeping, no backless hospital gown. Thursday I was to start my clear liquid diet. Chicken broth, water, Jello, and sugar free Popsicles. They told me to get in at LEAST 64 ounces a day, most Bariatric patients are back in the hospital in a week due to dehydration. I did my best to get in as much as I could. The Bariatric nurse that was at the hospital coaching my family and I on my new lifestyle said it could be up to a year until I actually feel a "hunger pain". What?!?! I just didn't believe him. But sure enough, I am only a week out and haven't felt hungry one time. I stayed at my Aunt and Uncles house for the remainder of the week. Just in case I didn't feel well and if I needed anything. I was up and out of the house by Friday. A little sore but feeling pretty good. I hadn't taken any pain medicine since Wednesday. I finally decided after waking up on Saturday I felt well enough to go home and start this process on my own. I have met one of my best friends while living here and don't know what I would do without her. She came to the rescue picked me and all of my stuff up and drove me home. We ran around town doing some errands, shopping at Target, enjoying this Fall weather. I was pooped come four, she dropped me off and went on her way.
And so it started. I was left alone for the first time, my roommate was going to be gone and I was on the couch watching Law&Order SVU. I think most people are emotional eaters. You're bored: you eat. You're sad: you eat. You're happy: you eat! My favorite past time is to turn on SVU get some chips and dip and be content. I can't do that now. But why did I ever do it before? I wasn't hungry. I had actually probably eaten dinner not much earlier. I had not cried not one time. Which if any of you really know me, I am NOT a good patient at all. But, this is a surgery I wanted and was excited about not something that HAD to be done. I started to cry and think "What in the hell did I get myself into??" I was hungry (but I really wasn't), I was sad, homesick, and regretting something that I know is the best for me.
This surgery has been a fight to get. I have been on and off with insurance companies since I was 17 years old. Although I know I will never know why it happened when it happened until I get to the gates and can ask Jesus. I kind of got an idea last night. In the past year and a half I have been able to talk to and watch two people that I know go through this whole process. The weight loss, the eating habits, and a little piece of the emotional part. I, feeling like I was at the end of my rope reached out to both of them. Of course both of them were FULL of encouragement and love! Reassuring me this emotional break was normal if not expected. They will both tell me until they are blue in the face it was the BEST decision they had ever made for themselves. One also told me..."in one month when you put on your pants and they are too big you will then realize you made the right decision!" I spoke with my family and friends from back home, which I can not express how much I love and miss them. They all reassured me it was going to be A-Okay! My mom being the wonderful woman she is of course told me to pray and ask for peace. I did...and it was instant. :)
So today, I woke up, did my hair, make-up, and put on a cute shirt. Got out of the house and took a little ride. This is my favorite time of the year, and a new season of life for me. There are exciting things coming up in the next year and a lot about to happen in the next few months(keep following, I'll let you know!) In a month or so, maybe even weeks I know I will look back and think "This is the BEST thing I have EVER done!"
XOXO
-J
Friday, September 30, 2011
4 days post-op!
I don't have much time to post just know....
I did great
I haven't thrown up
I don't miss food....yet
and I feel great!
XOXO
-J
I did great
I haven't thrown up
I don't miss food....yet
and I feel great!
XOXO
-J
Saturday, September 24, 2011
a whole new girl!
I am less than 48 hours away from one of the biggest days of my life. I have so many emotions running through my body and mind but not one of them is telling me no. Happiness is the one that most stands out. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she told me after the surgery I should blog, take pictures and maybe start a book. I thought that was one of the best ideas I had ever heard. Who doesn't like to know other peoples business and especially as juicy as this will be. It has been a really long fight for this surgery and I am so PUMPED I can barely contain myself.
If you keep up with my blog or maybe have read the previous post about the surgery I wasn't going to do it. Looking back who am I kidding? Yes, who wouldn't love to do it on their own? But at the same time the opportunity is here, why wouldn't I grab it and RUN...ha ha okay I don't do that so.... take it and split? Does that make sense? Ah, who knows...you catch my drift. I was reminded I'm an adult if I want to change my mind and have it done, no one can judge me.
I'm not going to lie, how weird it is going to be. I have always and so has everyone else known me as this, who I am now. A stocky, thick girl. But you know? Everyone will learn to know me as healthy and a little less stocky. It is going to bring major change for the good, I know it is not always going to be easy. But what life changing thing is?
This of course has been the topic of most conversations with those I share the information with. I was chatting with my roommate about all the things I can't wait to do that I think....no I know most people take for granted. It is very personal but I think if you read my blog I tend to get pretty personal. So you want to know the things I can't wait to do? The things that I know people take for granted? Okay...you asked here it goes....
I can't wait to look in the mirror and see an elbow and a knee cap. Those things have been hidden for years!!!
I can't to buy a watch and not have to buy extra links.
I can't wait to wear a regular pair of cowboy boots and not have them cutting my legs in half.
I can't wait to be able to shop ANYWHERE I want.
I can't wait to sky dive without having to pay the extra money because of my weight.
You know society is cruel and we all know there is an image that a woman is told she has to be. I DO NOT agree with what people think a woman should look like, if you know me at all you would know I go with the inside and the heart . BUT I would be a liar if I told you I wasn't excited about maybe being noticed a little more. Not just because of my personality...and don't get me wrong I love that I never meet a stranger and can talk to anyone but it will be nice to be noticed more. I don't think I am wrong in thinking that in fact I know I'm not.
I can't wait to not be nervous walking in...anywhere
I can't wait to not be paranoid every time some laughs around me that they are saying something about me
and you know? I just can't wait to see myself like everyone else sees me.
Ahh...I just can't wait.
My life is just now about to start and I can't wait to see what the next 60 or so years has in store for me!
I will be sure to post pictures and write how I feel!
XOXO
-J
If you keep up with my blog or maybe have read the previous post about the surgery I wasn't going to do it. Looking back who am I kidding? Yes, who wouldn't love to do it on their own? But at the same time the opportunity is here, why wouldn't I grab it and RUN...ha ha okay I don't do that so.... take it and split? Does that make sense? Ah, who knows...you catch my drift. I was reminded I'm an adult if I want to change my mind and have it done, no one can judge me.
I'm not going to lie, how weird it is going to be. I have always and so has everyone else known me as this, who I am now. A stocky, thick girl. But you know? Everyone will learn to know me as healthy and a little less stocky. It is going to bring major change for the good, I know it is not always going to be easy. But what life changing thing is?
This of course has been the topic of most conversations with those I share the information with. I was chatting with my roommate about all the things I can't wait to do that I think....no I know most people take for granted. It is very personal but I think if you read my blog I tend to get pretty personal. So you want to know the things I can't wait to do? The things that I know people take for granted? Okay...you asked here it goes....
I can't wait to look in the mirror and see an elbow and a knee cap. Those things have been hidden for years!!!
I can't to buy a watch and not have to buy extra links.
I can't wait to wear a regular pair of cowboy boots and not have them cutting my legs in half.
I can't wait to be able to shop ANYWHERE I want.
I can't wait to sky dive without having to pay the extra money because of my weight.
You know society is cruel and we all know there is an image that a woman is told she has to be. I DO NOT agree with what people think a woman should look like, if you know me at all you would know I go with the inside and the heart . BUT I would be a liar if I told you I wasn't excited about maybe being noticed a little more. Not just because of my personality...and don't get me wrong I love that I never meet a stranger and can talk to anyone but it will be nice to be noticed more. I don't think I am wrong in thinking that in fact I know I'm not.
I can't wait to not be nervous walking in...anywhere
I can't wait to not be paranoid every time some laughs around me that they are saying something about me
and you know? I just can't wait to see myself like everyone else sees me.
Ahh...I just can't wait.
My life is just now about to start and I can't wait to see what the next 60 or so years has in store for me!
I will be sure to post pictures and write how I feel!
XOXO
-J
Saturday, August 27, 2011
When you're dreaming with a broken heart.
I always know it is time for me to blog when I can't seem to think straight and all my emotions and thoughts run into one big blurrr...does that have one or two 'r's? eh...I'll put three to be on the safe side.
I have now logged on and off of this website three times not really knowing how to start. Everything and everyone has seasons that come and go. Seasons of friends, weather, feelings, and emotions, I always have a hard time when a good season leaves me. Although I am a bit spontaneous and usually live my life by the hair on my jeans, or the seat of my chin..er..um..you know what I mean. I am NOT a fan of change. I don't want my feelings to ever change, my life, and the things and people that are in it...but such is life. I moved to Austin 8 months ago come next Wednesday. Am I where I thought I would be when I first moved here? Heck no.
My life has been one crazy roller coaster. But I have learned so much about myself, my friends, Jesus, and how life really is outside of the great city of Orange, Texas. I moved here to start an all girls ministry with my friend, her, her husband, and their little one took me in and let live! Amen. But as I got distracted and my walk with Jesus got dry I drifted off. I think now more than ever Jesus is saying.."Hi Jana, it is me Jesus you know the one you were doing work for and just stopped? Come on with the come one and get with it sister."
The way I see Jesus is very real to me so don't make any comments on how I feel he talks...cause I hear him. :) I was raised in the same church with the same friends, the same youth pastor, same songs sang every Sunday since I was 7 years old. I have yet to find a church like that. Yeah no crap...I am not in Orange Texas and I am not 7. Things change.
I have never met a stranger and could careless if you like me or not...unless we are in a baptist church on a Sunday morning then the rules change. I want you to love me and think that I have a direct line to Jesus and that my life is perfect and the fact that I'm a little overweight is because I am just so happy with Jesus and he has made me this way and praise be to God! Hold up rolls-ups. This is how I really feel on a Sunday morning in church: You may not love me, I am really loud and 9 times out 10 way over the top for most. I don't have a direct line to Jesus I struggle everyday with my walk in fact I might have slipped the "S word" on the way in because I spilt my coffee. And you know what, I didn't even want to come this morning because if my dress were any tighter I'd look like a pig in a blanket!
I haven't joined a church here if you haven't gotten that point yet. I can't seem to just LOVE one...but you know what? I haven't tried that hard either. It is just EASY for me to coast. I need Jesus! I need Jesus' people! I need to fellowship with other Christians and be built up and loved on!!!
I feel Jesus tuggin' on my heart to go and be that over the top christian that I was in January. It was a season, a season I loved. This that I am in right now is a season, a season I HATE. But, you know what? Jesus is so sweet and awesome that, the season that I loved so much...I can slip right back in and He will be there waiting and willing to pick me up, dust me off, and start again AND with great JOY!
Ahhh...Joy. I want pure, honest joy back in my heart and life. I don't want to fake that any more (I have become rather good at it though.)
I am sorry if you feel like you have had ADD while reading this, but this is me and this is my feelings right now.
I have wonderful friends and family that build me up and love on me when I need it most. It is time for me to get back that Jesus groove and work on this world. Austin, Texas you need a savior! Lets do this!
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
xoxo
-J
I have now logged on and off of this website three times not really knowing how to start. Everything and everyone has seasons that come and go. Seasons of friends, weather, feelings, and emotions, I always have a hard time when a good season leaves me. Although I am a bit spontaneous and usually live my life by the hair on my jeans, or the seat of my chin..er..um..you know what I mean. I am NOT a fan of change. I don't want my feelings to ever change, my life, and the things and people that are in it...but such is life. I moved to Austin 8 months ago come next Wednesday. Am I where I thought I would be when I first moved here? Heck no.
My life has been one crazy roller coaster. But I have learned so much about myself, my friends, Jesus, and how life really is outside of the great city of Orange, Texas. I moved here to start an all girls ministry with my friend, her, her husband, and their little one took me in and let live! Amen. But as I got distracted and my walk with Jesus got dry I drifted off. I think now more than ever Jesus is saying.."Hi Jana, it is me Jesus you know the one you were doing work for and just stopped? Come on with the come one and get with it sister."
The way I see Jesus is very real to me so don't make any comments on how I feel he talks...cause I hear him. :) I was raised in the same church with the same friends, the same youth pastor, same songs sang every Sunday since I was 7 years old. I have yet to find a church like that. Yeah no crap...I am not in Orange Texas and I am not 7. Things change.
I have never met a stranger and could careless if you like me or not...unless we are in a baptist church on a Sunday morning then the rules change. I want you to love me and think that I have a direct line to Jesus and that my life is perfect and the fact that I'm a little overweight is because I am just so happy with Jesus and he has made me this way and praise be to God! Hold up rolls-ups. This is how I really feel on a Sunday morning in church: You may not love me, I am really loud and 9 times out 10 way over the top for most. I don't have a direct line to Jesus I struggle everyday with my walk in fact I might have slipped the "S word" on the way in because I spilt my coffee. And you know what, I didn't even want to come this morning because if my dress were any tighter I'd look like a pig in a blanket!
I haven't joined a church here if you haven't gotten that point yet. I can't seem to just LOVE one...but you know what? I haven't tried that hard either. It is just EASY for me to coast. I need Jesus! I need Jesus' people! I need to fellowship with other Christians and be built up and loved on!!!
I feel Jesus tuggin' on my heart to go and be that over the top christian that I was in January. It was a season, a season I loved. This that I am in right now is a season, a season I HATE. But, you know what? Jesus is so sweet and awesome that, the season that I loved so much...I can slip right back in and He will be there waiting and willing to pick me up, dust me off, and start again AND with great JOY!
Ahhh...Joy. I want pure, honest joy back in my heart and life. I don't want to fake that any more (I have become rather good at it though.)
I am sorry if you feel like you have had ADD while reading this, but this is me and this is my feelings right now.
I have wonderful friends and family that build me up and love on me when I need it most. It is time for me to get back that Jesus groove and work on this world. Austin, Texas you need a savior! Lets do this!
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8
xoxo
-J
Monday, July 18, 2011
I like big butts and I can not lie...
Warning: The content you are about to read is extremely personal and some what uncomfortable...if this statement scares you do not continue to read.
It has been awhile since I have updated. So much has happened and is still happening. I am just going to dive right in and not look back.
For those of you that have known me for a good amount of time, I have always been the "bigger" girl. Me being me I have never really cared what people think and if you never liked me for me then you can move right along. About four years ago I began the process of the Gastric Bypass, I was denied, approved but something happened and denied again. I finally gave up and had a minor pity party (hats, music, cake... the whole nine yards.) As an adult I thought the teasing and poking fun would stop and it did for awhile until about July of last year. I was hearing a crude comment about once a week maybe more, I had lost my confidence and self-esteem. I was always so full of those things and it was literally killing me to be lacking in those areas. I had fallen from God, friends, and family. I got my life back together, became BFFs with Jesus again, moved to Austin, and dropped a good amount of lbs. I was "happy" for the first time in along time, althought I NEVER showed anything but. A no name family member mentioned the surgery again, and the thoughts started flowing. I had my mind dead set on the surgery and NO one was stopping me! I was going to be thin and happy. I talked with several people that were close to me and I trusted. They all supported me in whatever way I went but some were a little leary. I moved to Austin to start an all girls ministry with my good friend, what message was this going to send to girls as I am telling them "the inside is all that counts...be yourself." I pushed all those little thoughts out of my head...I mean I would NEVER hide this from any girl that asked, but what are my real motives? The surgery was scheduled for July 11th, I was doing it! July 6th I get a phone call the office messed up and it has to be post poned for another 10 weeks. Are you freaking kidding me? I thought the world had ended. I was so close again and now I am back in the same boat. I cried and threw yet another pity party (with tons of carbs and ice cream.) Of course everyone is supporting me and all are saying...God has it Jana, there is a reason. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted it and I wanted it now. It was going to solve all my problems.
Lastnight as I lay in bed thinking of the up coming months and what is REALLY going on, not just in Janas happy little bubble. I start to really think: Why am I doing this surgery? If I am not happy with who I am now, NO surgery is going to fix that. I have always been this wild, weird, loud, crazy, full of confidence, big girl...and honestly I love that girl. I weighted lastnight and I am only 20 lbs from my high school weight...that is nothing to lose. Who doesn't want to be thin? but that is not everything. Health is everything. I have made a plan and I am sticking to it. I live in Austin Texas if I can't get fit here then something is wrong with me. God has someone picked out for me who loves me for me...not for the girl who had surgery to be someone she isn't. I have friends and amazing family who love me for me, who support me in whatever it is.
So for now...I like my big butt, and I am not going to lie.
xoxo
-J
It has been awhile since I have updated. So much has happened and is still happening. I am just going to dive right in and not look back.
For those of you that have known me for a good amount of time, I have always been the "bigger" girl. Me being me I have never really cared what people think and if you never liked me for me then you can move right along. About four years ago I began the process of the Gastric Bypass, I was denied, approved but something happened and denied again. I finally gave up and had a minor pity party (hats, music, cake... the whole nine yards.) As an adult I thought the teasing and poking fun would stop and it did for awhile until about July of last year. I was hearing a crude comment about once a week maybe more, I had lost my confidence and self-esteem. I was always so full of those things and it was literally killing me to be lacking in those areas. I had fallen from God, friends, and family. I got my life back together, became BFFs with Jesus again, moved to Austin, and dropped a good amount of lbs. I was "happy" for the first time in along time, althought I NEVER showed anything but. A no name family member mentioned the surgery again, and the thoughts started flowing. I had my mind dead set on the surgery and NO one was stopping me! I was going to be thin and happy. I talked with several people that were close to me and I trusted. They all supported me in whatever way I went but some were a little leary. I moved to Austin to start an all girls ministry with my good friend, what message was this going to send to girls as I am telling them "the inside is all that counts...be yourself." I pushed all those little thoughts out of my head...I mean I would NEVER hide this from any girl that asked, but what are my real motives? The surgery was scheduled for July 11th, I was doing it! July 6th I get a phone call the office messed up and it has to be post poned for another 10 weeks. Are you freaking kidding me? I thought the world had ended. I was so close again and now I am back in the same boat. I cried and threw yet another pity party (with tons of carbs and ice cream.) Of course everyone is supporting me and all are saying...God has it Jana, there is a reason. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted it and I wanted it now. It was going to solve all my problems.
Lastnight as I lay in bed thinking of the up coming months and what is REALLY going on, not just in Janas happy little bubble. I start to really think: Why am I doing this surgery? If I am not happy with who I am now, NO surgery is going to fix that. I have always been this wild, weird, loud, crazy, full of confidence, big girl...and honestly I love that girl. I weighted lastnight and I am only 20 lbs from my high school weight...that is nothing to lose. Who doesn't want to be thin? but that is not everything. Health is everything. I have made a plan and I am sticking to it. I live in Austin Texas if I can't get fit here then something is wrong with me. God has someone picked out for me who loves me for me...not for the girl who had surgery to be someone she isn't. I have friends and amazing family who love me for me, who support me in whatever it is.
So for now...I like my big butt, and I am not going to lie.
xoxo
-J
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I had a dream...no really I did.
It is so amazing to me how God makes us listen, or I guess in this case I should say allow me to listen. I feel like I haven't spent time in the word like I should. Yes of course I talk to him daily, in the morning is "our" time together but I haven't sat down for 30 minutes or so like I use to and soak myself in His love and in the word. At night when I lay down I like to take the time, think about my day, day dream about things, pray, you know just stuff. I went to sleep last Thursday night like any other night ending in my nightly talk with God. I work up the next morning and Psalm 119 was in my head, I blew it off and went on with my morning. Shower, Jesus, coffee, work. I got to work and STILL had Psalm 119 coming to my mind. It wasn't overwhelming but like a little tap on my heart...I finally got a morning break and decided to look up the verse. I sat down at my computer looked it up and began to read. I started reading and was amazed, the more I read the more amazed I became. I needed this! Verse 2 states "Blessed are those who keep his statues and seek them with all their heart." I couldn't help but smile. At the same time it made me smile, it made me think. Am I seeking him with all my heart? I continued on...I don't know if you guys keep up with our ministry blog but you should (www.bethegirlministry.blogspot.com) We needed a new verse for being pure and what do you know verse 9 states "How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word." I picked up my phone and text Alicia (who is not only my close friend, and roommate but also my business partner) I told her about the verse and what happen, she said "WOW! that is crazy." So our next blog had that verse. I went through the weekend still just a little shocked and in awe of what happened thanking God every time I thought about it.
Lastnight I painted my nails, washed my face, thought about my day and began to pray. I can't remember if I was drifting into sleep or in a dead sleep. I woke up this morning with my normal routine and all the sudden I thought James 1. I brushed it off yet again. I was pretty busy this morning but on my way to work it came back on my heart, I turned up Third Day and kept going. I got a break at work again and looked up James 1. The past few weeks our sermons at church have been about faith. So of course I have prayed for more faith, questioned my faith (not my salvation, but if I honestly put ALL my faith in him) and when I felt froggy asked him to test my faith. The past week or two I have been questioning faith in general (its human, I guess.) Let me back up for just a second, I check my twitter and tweet very randomly but I checked my twitter yesterday and saw this "It wouldn't be faith if there weren't any doubts" I smiled and laughed. So back to this morning I started in on James and what does verse 2-4 say? "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trails of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perserverance. Let perserverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I could go on and on because that whole chapter blew me away!!!! I was totally shocked, amazed and thankful. After I soaked it in I laughed a little. It is crazy to me how he allows us to listen. I feel like he was right there when I went to sleep and just whispered in my ear those books of the bible. I feel that he was saying "Okay Jana, you are worried and questioning things for no reason. I am here. And I AM TESTING YOU. Because you asked, and it is going to make you praise and honor me more!"
He is such a loving and awesome God, he continues to AMAZE me everyday. If you don't know him personally I wish you would take this awesome experience and have a desire for Him and an experience like this to call your own! :)
xoxo
-J
Lastnight I painted my nails, washed my face, thought about my day and began to pray. I can't remember if I was drifting into sleep or in a dead sleep. I woke up this morning with my normal routine and all the sudden I thought James 1. I brushed it off yet again. I was pretty busy this morning but on my way to work it came back on my heart, I turned up Third Day and kept going. I got a break at work again and looked up James 1. The past few weeks our sermons at church have been about faith. So of course I have prayed for more faith, questioned my faith (not my salvation, but if I honestly put ALL my faith in him) and when I felt froggy asked him to test my faith. The past week or two I have been questioning faith in general (its human, I guess.) Let me back up for just a second, I check my twitter and tweet very randomly but I checked my twitter yesterday and saw this "It wouldn't be faith if there weren't any doubts" I smiled and laughed. So back to this morning I started in on James and what does verse 2-4 say? "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trails of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perserverance. Let perserverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I could go on and on because that whole chapter blew me away!!!! I was totally shocked, amazed and thankful. After I soaked it in I laughed a little. It is crazy to me how he allows us to listen. I feel like he was right there when I went to sleep and just whispered in my ear those books of the bible. I feel that he was saying "Okay Jana, you are worried and questioning things for no reason. I am here. And I AM TESTING YOU. Because you asked, and it is going to make you praise and honor me more!"
He is such a loving and awesome God, he continues to AMAZE me everyday. If you don't know him personally I wish you would take this awesome experience and have a desire for Him and an experience like this to call your own! :)
xoxo
-J
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